


When a puppet becomes selfaware

by Crystal_Bunny



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, M/M, Recovery, Redemption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-22 15:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30040629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystal_Bunny/pseuds/Crystal_Bunny
Summary: It had been a long and difficult process, but Illumi slowly, fully realized it: he was his parent's little puppet.The assasin's natural reaction was to try to get control back in some way and soon figured out a way to get some sort of new grip in life: food.---Hisoka was sick of being ignored by Illumi. Out of boredom and curiosity, he finally gave in and paid the Zoldyck a visit.[hunter x hunter and it's characters don't belong to me]
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	1. How it began

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: eating disorders, abusive parents, suicidal thoughts etc. Don't read if easily triggered and struggle with mental health
> 
> Though I was never diagnosed with an ed, I used to find the subject rather interesting and hope I can portray the subject in a accurate manner.
> 
> Ana = basically a personification of anorexia

[Disclaimer: This story is not meant to insult anyone of any body type!]

  


It had been a long and difficult process, but Illumi slowly, fully realized it: he was his parent's little puppet. All his life he was under the impression that he was the one in control. He wanted to control everyone and everything. However, he was only really who and what his parents wanted him to be: a killing machine, functioning simply as a device to expand their power and, well, control.

When Illumi had tried so bad to make Killua do what he 'wanted', he was really just carrying out his parents wishes. In reality, he didn't care that Killua was never home. Illumi loved his little brother, but everything he did only pushed him away further until it clicked in the assasins brain that truly loving killua and being a good big brother meant letting Kil go and to let him be happy. The realization that his whole character and life was the product of his parents brainwashing him with their own opinions and wants was a horrible one and it shattered Illumi to the core.

' _My parents don't even care for me. Killua doesn't care for me. None of my siblings too. And they're right. Because I've always been an idiotic asshole to them_ ', he thought.

At first, this mindset started of as 'intrusive' thoughts - that's what Illumi saw them as, at least.

They came for example when he was brushing his hair, or eating breakfast. Things like ' _Killua clearly doesn't want to be head of the family. Yet mom and dad still try to force it. Do they not want him to be happy?_ ', or ' _Maybe Hisoka was right when he told me that my parents are abusive...I guess what they are doing to Alluka could be seen as neglect by some people_ ', slipped into his mind.

Yet in the beginning, he always tried to counteract his thoughts and find excuses for Kykio's and Silva's behavior: ' _...Maybe life as Killua lives it now will eventually hurt him. Mom and Dad always seem to know best, they probably just have Killua's best interest in mind!',_ and _' _But Hisoka says a lot of things. My parents had a reason to lock aways Alluka after all. She's dangerous. They just don't want anyone to get hurt. And they give her all the toys she could wish for!_ '_

But after some time, Illumi saw that he was simply making excuses because he was terribly scared of the truth. Alas, he had to face it eventually. It was indeed terrifying: the Zoldyck felt stupid, naiv, worthless, horribly mean and worst of all: powerless. The control he had always sought out for in his life was now seemingly ripped away from him and Illumi felt helpless and small. He was just a chess figure for his parents to play with.

The assasin's natural reaction was to try to get control back in some way. And since he didn't feel like there was ever anyone there for him, he decided against pushing people - his parents, to be more specific - away. It would probably make everything worse.

One night, Illumi even thought about if commiting suicide would be an appropriate reaction to the situation. He didn't really have anyone or anything to live for anyway, right? The sole purpose in life for the long haired man was obeying his parents and being a killer machine without any wishes of it's own, which sounded like a horrible thing to live for.

Still, Illumi quickly erased the thought. ' _Taking your own life is a weak thing to do_ ', he thought. He would keep living out of spite to gain actual control.

It was very like the assasin to think like this, since he didn't know any of his actual wants or need - his parents had thought him to surpress pretty much all of his emotions and feelings, expect for things like greed. The only want he knew of and understood was his need for control. Showing one's emotion was a weak thing to do too, he thought.

What Illumi didn't know was that he was sad and angry and scared. He would never admit to such feelings, of course.

The assasin was lacking one very important thing throughout all of his life: love. No one every truly loved him in any way. But he wasn't anywhere near the realization that what he actually needed was someone to love him.

Illumi didn't even think about love, because he didn't actually know what it was and he was thaught that being in love was also a weak thing. He didn't question how his parents apparently didn't love each other, because he thought it was normal.Maybe, deep inside, Illumi also knew that he wasn't loved and he just didn't want to think about such a heartbreaking and awful thing.

Nonetheless, Illumi had soon figured out a way to get some sort of grip in life: food. It was such a simple thing that Illumi rarely ever thought about, but now it was consuming almost all of his mind. Constantly thinking about calories and doing an exessive amount of sport gave the assasin some type of goal or sense in his life and he started to take less and less jobs. It just didn't really interested him anymore. It never had.

As time went on, Illumi was in a truly terrible condition. Since he was already quite muscular to begin with, he had next to no fat on his body. His plump muscles had deteriorated as well, making him unhealthily skinny. What hurt him quite a lot was that his parents always got upset about how he now never took any jobs and had gotten slow and unfit; they didn't once show concern for his health or tried to actually help him. Illumi knew that he wasn't healthy, but he just didn't care. He thought that he was finally in control and that was the only thing that mattered to him, right?

The long haired man tried to ignore how his hair was getting thinner and thinner everyday, completely blinded by the goal to be skinniest, the best and the strongest. The illusion of control had made him completely blind to how his life was just as miserable as before, but Illumi felt like if everything was shit, at least he had Ana.

Ana was a bit like a god to him, holding his hand when no one else would, saving him, loving him. But the reality was that Ana was pushing him closer to death with a smile and stabbing him in the back when he wasn't paying attention, robbing his mind, his health, his everything.

Out of all emotions Illumi's body made him feel, pride was the one that appeared the most. And Illumi loved it.

He hadn't seen Hisoka in a few months - there wasn't a reason to. When Hisoka had texted him a few times to ask him to join in on a mission, Illumi had always declined, claiming to be to busy. The reality of it was that Illumi didn't feel like putting in all that work anymore. His body hat gotten weak and doing missions was now next to impossible. He probably would've passed out from exhaustion a few hours in, which wouldn't have been a very assasin-thing to do.

Hisoka started to suspect that his friend - as Hisoka sees him-, was indeed lying to him. And since the black haired Zoldyck tended to isolate himself, Hisoka figured it was best to physically come and see him.

The Zoldyck's manner wasn't easy to break into by any means, but a man like Hisoka hardly struggled. He acted like it was annoying having to kill all the guards in his way, but he was actually having quite some fun. Hisoka guessed that Silva or Zeno would probably kill him immediatly if he tried to sneak to Illumi's room, which he didn't even know the location of, so the charasmatic magician chose to formally knock at the big door of the manner like he was just some normal guest that wasn't splattered with blood from the butlers of the family he was trying to 'visit'.

Another butler answered. He looked Hisoka up and down with no sign of emotion. "Who are you and what do you want? ", the serious looking man asked while already reaching into his pocket, probably haven some kind of weapon hidden there. "How very rude of you. Is that how you always greet guests? I'm just here to visit my dear friend Illumi. Unfortunately, a few people got in my way and wouldn't let me go any further if I didn't kill them. Anyways, where is Illu's room?", Hisoka replied with a sly, fox-like grin on his face.

The butler seemed to think for a moment. He would have gladly taken on the challange of fighting this stranger, dressed up like a clown, but the fact he had made it this far with not so much as a scratch on him would suggest that he was a) very talented and could possibly kill him as well, b) somewhat worthy of speaking to a Zoldyck. "Master Illumi does not have any friends. However, since you've already come this far, I will inform him of you arrival", he decided. "Oh, did Illu not talk about me? Shame.", Hisoka replied and decided to stand there, waiting, while the butler left. After a few minutes, the butler came back. "You are to be escorted to master Illumi's room. Follow me". Hisoka obeyed in silence, which was unusual for a talkative man like him. He just didn't feel like the Butler was very interesting to talk to.


	2. Adventure & Challenge

"There we are". Hisoka nodded, knocking on the door before then immediatly entering.

Illumi sat by the window, looking outside melanchollancly. "You know, if you don't even wait for an answer after knocking, it kinda defeats the purpose", Illumi spoke softly, not even looking at Hisoka. Hisoka had a smile on his face while entering, but after looking at the assasin more closely, Hisoka's grin turned into a shocked face. There weren't many things that could shock a man like him, but he never expected to see someone like Illumi... like this.

It made Illumi appear somewhat vulnurable in Hisoka's eyes, though Illumi would probaby argue the opposite, oblivious.

He never realized that his eating disorder gave away many things, forcing him to play with open cards. Everyone who did so much as look at him could at least tell that he had severe mental health problems. If the person looking at Illumi also somewhat knew his parents and how those treated their children, that person could also quickly guess basically all of Illumi's motives: his parents controlled him and he wanted control.

If Illumi had known sooner that it was so incredibly easy to read him now, he would have probably stopped himself and found another obession, because being vulnerable was truly one of his biggest fears. But now he was in too deep.

"Shit.. Illumi, what happened? Did your parents starve you or some shit?", Hisoka boldly questiond, unsure if it was even okay to ask Illumi such a thing. Illumi turned around to look at Hisoka and examined him for a bit. "No", he then stated "Was it really that important for you to see me?", Illumi sighed after seeing the blood splatters on Hisokas clothes and thinking about how getting here must have been such a hassle for the magician.

"Well, now you know why I can't help you on any missions", the long haired man added. Hisoka came a bit closer, looking for a place to sit on.

"Stand. If you get blood in my room I will kill you", Illumi warned. "Jeez, a bit moody aren't we?" Hisoka murmured quietly but loud enough for the other to hear. 

There was a bit of weird silence while Illumi tried to think about why Hisoka wasn't leaving yet. Hisoka had satisfied his curiosity after all and could now understand how the assasin - well, former assasin - wouldn't be any help in any way. The fact that Hisoka wasn't saying anything either only deepened Illumi's confusion and the situation started to make him a bit nervous as well. Deep down, he was scared that Hisoka wanted something from him that he just couldn't provide. To say it directly, the Zoldyck hated never being enough.

"...So?", Illumi finally questioned. "...I dunno. Just wanted to look after my dear friend, since you're not really one to communicate over the phone". "We aren't friends", The Zoldyck stated firmly. "Sure", Hisoka replied, not taking Illumi's words very seriously. "Damn, you really look... different".

Illumi remained silent at the statement. It was too abstract to get any reaction from him. Hisoka thought for a while. Although he was always a very direct person and also quite insensitive at times, he didn't want to say something too inappropriate that could seriously hurt Illumi. He didn't have a reason to be that rude.

"You know, Illu. You're a grown man. You're parents are obsessed with making Killua head of the business anyway, why don't you just leave? At least get a break from here. From your parents and stuff. I'm sure they lecture you a lot", Hisoka suggested carefully. In that moment, Illumi realized his vulnerability. He didn't want to think about it right now and quickly pushed away the thought, writing Hisoka's awfully accurate reading of him up to Hisoka being Hisoka.

The Zoldyck sighed and thought about the contents of the other's statement once again, now actually trying to decide what he thought of the idea. "Leave? Where to? I'm alone, Hisoka. Even if staying here is terrible, I don't have anywhere to go. I guess this stupid manner is the only place I belong to", Illumi answered. "Hm... I don't think that's true. You practically haven't been anywhere, so of course you tell me you don't belong anywhere else exept here. You never leave because this place gives you comfort - it's the only place you know. Of course it does. Well, I'm a person that doesn't belong anywhere, you see. Of course I have a city I grew up in, but I don't 'belong' there anyway. The world is my home, Illu. Until I do find a place where I belong to. It's fun to explore", the magician explained, the other remaining silent.

Hisoka wasn't sure if Illumi was even listening, but Illumi was indeed. He was just thinking, very hard. Everything the red haired man said made perfect sense, and the Zoldyck hated that. Hisoka was always right. And it was annoying as shit for some reason.

"Why do you care so much, Hisoka?", Illumi wondered. People never cared about him, so Hisoka must have an ulterior motive. The man sighed and shrugged. "You act like I'm very popular. But you forget that I don't really have many other friends besides you", stated Hisoka. The truth was, that he didn't have any friends.

"Aren't you in that spider group?", Illumi asked. "The phantom troupe? Well, yeah. But they all hate me, haha. Think I'm annoying. I guess it's my fault, really. You know how much i like to lie~♡".

Hearing that made the Zoldyck suddenly feel a sort of connection to the magician: they were both alone, he realized. And it was both of their faults.

"...You stink. Go take a shower. Then you can sit down", the long haired man decided, pointing at the door to his personal bathroom that was connected to his room. "Whatever you say, dear~♡ Won't say no to a hot shower", Hisoka said with a wink, considering to ask Illumi to join but ultimately dismissing the idea as not to test his limits with the ravenette, since the Zoldyck would likely tell him to leave.

When Hisoka was done showering, he came out with nothing but a towel and Illumi - after taking a quick glance at the magician's perfect abs - realized Hisoka needed new, clean clothes. "...I gues you can wear some of my old clothes". "I can also remain naked, you know", the magician flirted with another wink. The former assasin ignored him, looking through his closet and picking out the biggest clothes he could find.

Before his eating disorder, Illumi was pretty much as buff as Hisoka, but Hisoka was a bit taller an also had thicker thighs than Illumi, who had always had a little thigh gap. Therefore the clothes still were a little tight on the red haired man, but that made him feel sexy, and he loved feeling sexy.

"What hospitality, my dear Illu. Didn't expect that from you!", Hisoka smiled, recieving a slightly annoyed look from the other: "Well, I wouldn't want you to dirty my bed. Or any other surface in my room", Illumi tried to explain himself.

The red haired man knew that no one cared about him. He knew that everyone found him annoying as shit and that Illumi did too. And most of the time, Hisoka didn't care. He believed it was truly part of his free lifestyle. If you have someone you care about, who cares about you as well, it binds you down. And Hisoka never wanted to be bound down. He just saw being alone as inevitable part of his life philosophy.

But sometimes, late at night, he thought things like ' _If I died, no one would bat and eye. They would all be happy, even_ ', but he was often quick to cheer himself up again: ' _Doesn't really matter. I have myself. I chose this life and I'm happy about it. I don't have any worries and I'm completely free. Isn't that all a man could ever ask for?_ '.

Hisoka didn't really care about being loved. He loved himself and that was enough. But deep down, hidden inside, he craved acceptance and affection like everyone does to some extent. He had just gotten so used to being alone and didn't know how life would be if he had someone that cared for him, or even just liked him. Hisoka sat down on Illumis bed, noting how soft the matress was.

"You know, maybe you would feel a bit better if we took a trip or something? You know, wreak some havoc, or just go somewhere interesting", the magician suggested. When Hisoka was trying to be nice, he just came off as manipulative most of the time. This time, he didn't. But that was what confused the ravenette. "I'm fine, thanks. And even if I wasn't, I don't really think that hanging out with you would lighten my mood", the skinny man declined. "You've gotten so boring, Illu. Scared of being alone with me now? I mean, I could easily overpower you", magician teased, underestimating how weak it made Illumi feel.

The Zoldyck now realized that he was even weaker than before. If Hisoka wanted to kill him, he probably could. But then, he thought, that he didn't have that much to live for anyway. If Hisoka would kill him, it would surely upset his parents. They would now permanently loose one of their most useful tools. The thought amused Illumi. He wasn't really scared of death and never had been because his parents had always taught him to give his all to complete missions, even if it meant death.

"Fine. We're gonna go somewhere. Haven't been outside for quite a while anyway", with outside Illumi meant outside of Kukuroo mountain, "But keep in mind that my body isn't that strong anymore. I can't exactly go for too long". The ravenette knew because he had tried. Many times. When going for a jog, he quickly started to feel weak and tired and he would even collapse sometimes because he had pushed himself too hard. The former assasin's change of mind earned him a satisfied grin from the fox-like man. "Very well", Hisoka spoke, "Let's go have some fun". By fun, the red head was surely referring to his own definition of fun, Illumi thought. But the magician had other things in mind. He knew very well how weak the other now was and he also knew that the Zoldyck had a very different understanding of 'fun'. What he considered to be fun probably was things that Hisoka would rather call 'relaxing'. Morow knew that Illumi enjoyed silence and peace and he decided for an activity that would make the other feel calm.

They went out, going down the hill of Kukuroo mountain and in the direction of the city. When Hisoka noticed Illumi getting tired, he found it a bit cute; he wasn't used to seeing the ravenette so helpless and weak. However, the magician then had to remind himself that nothing about his friend's condition was cute.

He stopped walking and turned his back towards Illumi, crouching. "Come. I'll carry you", he offered. The former assasin however wasn't very happy because of that offer - he felt incredibly weak and like he was being pitied. A bit mad and too prideful to take any help, Illumi declined: "I can walk by my own perfectly fine".

Hisoka wanted to argue, but he knew that the person he was talking to wasn't one for discussion, which is why Hisoka simply sighed and started walking again. Illumi had to think about how he probably looked like absolute dog shit next to the well groomed, muscular magician. Although Hisoka considered his own appearance as very important, he wasn't very focused on looks when it came to others, despite what most thought.

What mattered to Hisoka was how interesting a person was, and especially how powerful they were. The Morow thought it was a shame what happened to Illumi. ' _So much wasted potential. And I couldn't even fight him. Maybe he just needs a little push in the right direction and he'll be back to normal again in no time. And then I'll challenge him_ '.

When they got to the city, the former assasin could no longer hide his exhaustion. "Fine", he said, "carry me". Hisoka grinned at Illumi agreeing to his offer and the magician ended up carrying the Zoldyck on his back to the city.

When they were there, everything happened quickly and as soon as Illumi knew, him and Hisoka were sitting on a hill from which you could see a beautiful scenery of the city and enjoying stolen icecream.

The Zoldyck allowed himself the ice cream, thinking that it would be ok and he could always do exercise and or starve later. He just had to be careful not to make casual eating like this a habit. But he also realized that sitting there, in silence, having allowed himself to eat something delicious every once in a while and looking at the sunset maybe truly was better and more 'fun' as sitting in his room alone being sad.

Unfortunately, the peace was rather short lived. About halfway through eating his ice cream, Illumi suddenly got a little disgusted at the sweet and sugary taste. All he could now think about was the calories and how he had lost control in a moment of weakness. Feeling a bit betrayed by Hisoka for getting him this ice cream, the ravenette held it towards Hisoka who was already finished with his own. "I don't want it anymore", the long haired man stated. The magician was a bit surprised of the other's mood change. Even thought Illumi almost always had a blanc expression and monotone voice, Hisoka could tell. "Just throw it away, dear. I've had enough too, but thank you", he said. Hisoka noted that maybe trying to get Illumi to eat wasn't a good idea when they were trying to have fun.

Illumi felt dumb. It would be something else if he had planned for days that on this day he would have some ice cream. But the fact that it was a spontanious decision without much thought to it made him feel weak, like he had ruined his whole system. Although he was a bit mad at Hisoka too, the anger and frustration was mostly directed towards himself.

The ravenette knew that he couldn't really throw it up either, doing such a thing in front of the magician would be under his dignity and until they arrived at the Zoldyck manner, the ice cream would probably be digested already.

While Illumi thought about how to punish himself for giving into the temptation in a moment of weakness, Hisoka looked at him in concern. ' _This is going to be harder than i thought_ ', the red haired man thought. He had never dealt with such things like eating disorders before and he was wondering how hard it would be to get Illumi out of his. But since the magician liked challenges, he was only motivated further.

"Do you like it here, Illumi?", Hisoka carefully asked. The spoken to person was obviously not very happy, but after hearing the magician's voice, his anger started to ease a bit and he was trying to think - did he like it here? After realizing that there were many things he didn't quite have an opinion on, such as his favorite color, or if he liked going to the sea, or if he liked doing art, Illumi suddenly asked quietly "Hisoka? Do i have a personality?".

The magician was caught of guard by the question, quickly trying to comfort his friend: "Oh my. Well see, everyone has a personality. I believe you have quite the character going on 'under there'", - meaning the façade Illumi often put up, -"you just keep quiet about it. Being a bit introverted is part of your personality, I believe". The ravenette thought about this for a bit. Deep inside he knew that since loosing weight he had let parts of his façade fall down, to a point where people sometimes knew when he was angry, sad or irritated. 

The Zoldyck used to constantly have a poker face, not allowing anyone to read him and he often wasn't even sure about his own feelings himself, really. Illumi just didn't want to face that one of his biggest fears of being vulnurable had become somewhat reality due to his thin appearance and due to the fact that he had started to show emotion every now and then, be it in his expression or tone of voice. It was just incredibly exhausting to mask all of his feelings, though he had gotten used to it after doing it for such a long time. 

On their way back, the ravenette was determined to walk the whole way without Hisoka carrying him, but the magician had to forcefully pick up Illumi when he noticed that he really was exhausted. The raventte made less of a fuss than expected.

The red haired man changed back into his own clothes, which were now clean after servant's of the Zoldycks had washed them.

Wanting to speed up the process of Illu's recovery - or just start it at the very least -, Hisoka said the following: "I bet you 50 million Jenny you don't have control over your eating habits", which earned a slightly mad and confused look from Illumi. "What do you mean? I could go 10 days without eating if I wanted", he defended himself proudly. And he probably could. "No", Hisoka started to explain, "I know you can do that. But can you go 10 days eating 3 full meals every day?". Illumi's face went a bit white. As far as it was possible, since the Zoldyck's skin was already very fair, where as Hisoka had slight tan. "...of course I can! I'm in full control of my eating habits", Illumi stated with confidence. "Alright then. 50 million Jenny if you can. And i want proof" ' _What an idiot_ ', Illumi thought. ' _He's going to give me that much money just for eating? I'll prove him wrong and earn some easy money! Wait... but what does Hisoka get from this deal? Of course, there is always something!_ '. "And what if I were to loose?", Illumi asked. "hmm. Then you have to spend one full week under my command! But that would be no problem, since winning will apparently be so easy for you, right?".

"...Right. And what kind of proof do you want?", Illumi questioned. "Sending a picture of you eating for every meal would be enough", Hisoka clarified after thinking briefly. "Do you think I'm dumb? You just want to sell my pictures because you know people are desperate for photos of the famous Zoldycks", the ravenette accused, earning a sigh from Hisoka.

"Fine, then just send me a picture of your meals and when the time is over, I'll come and visit and you step on the scale for me. Send me a picture of what you weigh now, so we can compare. That'll show if you really ate what was on the pictures". Illumi internally pouted a bit at this, because it was a pretty good way to make sure there was no cheating. He considered rigging the scale or cheating some other way, but then he reminded himself that this challenge was totally easy and didn't need any cheating. "...Deal", he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Illumi can do it? Let me know your guesses in the comments!


End file.
